An in-depth look at Malina’s Relay for Life experience.
I took a long ass nap, went on tumblr, napped again, woke up for dinner, watched the Newsroom, and now I’m too excited to go back to sleep. (At the end of this post, I will talk about all my Newsroom feels.)
But basically, Relay for Life is this huge 24 hour American Cancer Society event that’s a big fundraiser for ACS. And it’s really a lot of fun because you get to camp out with friends from school and whatnot. I got there a bit later than I would’ve liked, but I set up a small two-person tent and signed in our team and did all the technicalities. Remember the obnoxious teammate I was talking about earlier? She and her boyfran brought a huge-ass 8 person tent, which I’ll get to later. She also snapped at me when I asked her boyfriend for his phone number (I needed to be able to contact all the team members) because she thought I was going to sign him up as a chaperone. She’s 17. He’s 21. They then came up to me while I was signing in our team like I’m a fucking child. Are you team captain? No. Sit your ass down.
The daylight hours were pretty low-key. We sold cake pops and played cards and around 4 Tina came and visited me until like 11. I had like no lunch because I was too lazy to buy myself a burrito so all I had was tea. I fuckin’ love boba. We played Monopoly and 2 people gave Dom all their property when they gave up so he destroyed Stephanie and me. I walked around the track some and asked people how their summers were going and whatnot. At one point I was in my tent with Tina and Van talking about Andrew Garfield being a hot piece of ass and The Turd says, “I think people shouldn’t talk about themselves all the time,” to no one in particular because no one gives a shit about what she has to say. To which I countered, “I think you’re full of shit.” Do not snark me because I am the Queen of Snark.
Around 10 we were like, “Well fuck we’re hungry.” So Tina, Sam, and I walked downtown and ate at one of my favorite pizzerias. Except I totally forgot that Parmegiana is the one with eggplant, and I ordered an Estate, so when I asked the waitress, “Doesn’t this have Eggplant?” she gave me stank face. Apparently, he’s the sister of these twins I vaguely know. So I tipped her like 23% even though the service wasn’t that great. I like the lunch servers there better. Michael and that Mexican lady whose name I’m forgetting are my favorites. But enough about the pizza. My friends Connie and Nick came to join us and even though Connie and Sam aren’t really BFFs, it was a nice dinner, I’d say. We went back to Relay and they had free pizza.
Connie and Nick and Tina hung out for a bit and then left because it was late, and camping is in tents (ohoho I am the pun mastaaa). So my teammates and I — Cattygurl and her boyfran not withstanding — tried to stay outside as long as possible because apparently Cattygurl and boyfran would not let us in their GIGANTIC ASS TENT. But then it was too cold so the 8 of us crammed into my 2 person tent. Sam decided to talk to Cattgurl and boyfran (the terrible two) and ask to switch tents. They said no, and when Sam tried to explain that there were 8 of us in a tiny tent, she was like, “that’s not our problem.” It kind of is. You’re on a fucking team. Teams share shit. Y’all were making out in my tent earlier you fucking turds. To which Sam said, “Not all of us are blessed with camping gear.” And we had other tents that we never set up because we were expecting them to be more generous than they were. They were just rude and obnoxious so we’re like fuck you and had puzzle human fun times in that tent without them.
Around 6 I was like fuck you I only got three hours of sleep so I went to Starbucks and got people some dranks. Got bless vanilla lattes, man. And we went back and cleaned up our campsite. Around 8, the terrible two were still asleep in their tent and we were fucking livid because we did all the clean-up and while they slept in their Satan tent. And I was explaining this to the team next to ours, and by the morning, everyone (even them) were tired of these two so these two guys from the team next to ours went and shook their tent and I laughed my ass off because shit was hilarious. They deserved it. Couldn’t be fucked to help us clean up. The boyfran got out of his tent and yelled at them and then us and I was like, “wow, this vanilla latte is really delicious.”
About 30 minutes later — when they still had not helped us do shit — this fucking waste of a vagina comes out and snarks at us. At this point I’m having a conversation about SATs and APs and colleges and the like/ everyone is bitching about these two. Somebody asked me what I got on my SAT or something and I told them I got a 2370. She overheard, which I really didn’t want. A) I don’t like people knowing my scores and grades and stuff because they make me look smarter than I really am and I don’t want to be typecast. And B) She’s obsessed with getting into Stanford and a very jealous person. She snaps, “Wow, I think it’s really great that people can get a 2370 on their SATs and still be such an asshole.”
I’m sorry — what have I ever done to deserve that? I don’t like her (because she’s a piece of shit), but I’m not going to devote time to disliking her. I never say any of the rude and offensive shit she always says to my face. I’m not Mother Theresa or anything, and I’m well aware that I can come off aloof or unfriendly or obnoxious, but I am not a hostile person. Obviously, I can’t see the “full issue” or whatever, but I have no idea what I did to sabotage her livelihood enough to call me an asshole. And I didn’t retort, because I don’t want that kind of energy in my life, but I did tell her boyfriend that it was really unnecessary of her to say that. To which he said it was unnecessary their tent to get shaken. And we said, “We didn’t even do that.” And he said, “Yeah, but you just sat by and laughed while they did it.” I’m sorry — you won’t let us sleep in your tent even though you used mine, and you still think protecting your tent is our responsibility? Fuck you guys. They’re such silly people. It’s actually really funny I almost started laughing. But he’s 6’3” and has crazy anger issues so I was like, “FUCK. TACT. WHERE ARE YOU?”
Connie appears to believe this is to some degree my fault. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve this animosity. I’m too busy to waste time with this girl.
Next order of business: this week’s Newsroom. IT WAS SO GOOD! Are you watching this show? You should be watching this show. This is legitimately the best show on TV right now. The scene where Will’s brain surgeon date meets him at the office killed me. Funny as balls. And Jim and Maggie continue to be the cutest thing since puppies. Speaking of Maggie, as someone who suffers from panic disorder, I was so moved by Maggie’s panic episode. So often I see my disorder trivialized and parodied in film and TV — if I even see it at all — and to see a realistic portrayal of what a panic attack is like… God, I don’t even know where to begin. Maggie goes into a panicked state differently than I do, but I still related so much to how she felt. It was comforting, and oddly empowering. I loved it so much I refused to delete the episode from my DVR. And again, John Gallagher, Jr. is a hot a piece of ass, and Jim Harper is adorable. ADORABLE. This show gives me feelings. Message me if you watch the Newsroom because we need to talk and become BEST FRIENDS.
And now I’m going back to sleep.